Going into adulthood

I had a bit of a relapse in my anxiety and depression the past two weeks, as you can probably tell from my previous post. Everything is okay now. I have great support and have gone through enough change that I can stay pretty positive through such devastating moments.

In just one week, I will officially be graduating from university! It’s been a long five years and I am completely ready. One week of reading and exams stands between me and adulthood.

Speaking of adulthood, I have been applying for jobs up the wazoo. In the past two months I think I’ve applied for around 25 jobs ranging from temporary to full-time. A couple of places were very positive and told me they loved me, even asked me for my documentation. After waiting for the phone call about paperwork, I decided to call back and found out from both places that they hired other people. I was very frustrated.

In just one day last week, I accepted two part-time positions! I was also accepted to a full-time position at a rehabilitation/retirement center, but after job shadowing I determined it was not where I belonged right now. Instead, I will be working with a church preschool as a lunch and classroom monitor. On the weekends, I will be a barista at Books-a-Million. Both are jobs that I’ve been really excited to do at some point and both were offered to me at the same time. I’m very excited.

Transportation will be the main issue for now. I have been working on getting my license for a long time, but I now have someone helping me practice driving so I think the time is finally coming. The city bus does not run on weekends, and the mall is quite an unsafe walking distance from my house. My friend told me that he is willing to drive me for three months until I save up enough for a car, but he works at the same times on weekends. I’m going to be asking for help from a lot of friends and acquaintances, but I hope they understand that I’m working on it rather than relying on them.

 

Stay tuned: My next post will be discussing my process of minimizing my life.

Experience through my eyes

Lunch was delicious. I had a healthy sandwich and some chocolate. I get home and start to set up my computer, but all motivation suddenly leaves me. I start to feel anxious. A panic attack is coming and I know it. That’s okay. I’ve learned how to control these feelings, the indistinguishable thoughts.

One thought sneaks through. I feel lonely. I don’t think I have anyone. I text a friend saying I need someone to talk to so I remain calm. No answer. I call my boyfriend, but I feel ashamed and needy so I downplay my feelings. He invites me out with his roommates, but I turn it down because I don’t want to be around people. It’s true, I don’t want to be around people. But I need people right now. No one cares about me, why should I become a burden?

I start sobbing uncontrollably. I can’t breathe. I cry out. The room starts spinning. I run to the bathroom with dry heaves. I try calling more people. I can’t handle this alone. “Is it urgent?” “I have too much work to do.” “Can you wait 15 minutes?” No one will come. I finally get a hold of my roommate who comes home just before I pass out. All feeling in my hands is gone. My arms are tingling and I feel out of control. I start reaching for the walls trying to break out of this pain.

My roommate holds me and rubs my hands to make sure I stay with her. She breathes with me. Deep breaths. It takes about 5 minutes for me to stop hyperventilating. The world starts calming down. I can see clearly again. My mind is quiet. My feeling returns. I apologize over and over to my roommate, who shushes me and says I should’ve called her sooner.

As I get ready to go lie down and calm down all the way, I receive a phone call from the job I was nearly guaranteed during the interview. I didn’t get the job. One more thing to knock me down when I already feel worthless. But my roommate forced me to watch Grease Live! and I felt at ease. I laughed at the cheesiness. I sang along with the familiar songs. I didn’t focus on the paper that was due the next day. I just focused on myself and understanding that the world had not ended.

———

This all occurred after a week of severe depression. I wouldn’t leave bed. I couldn’t leave bed. I didn’t want to sleep all day, but I felt like that’s all my body would let me do. To experience both in a week, these two extremes, is very exhausting on the body and the mind.

In hindsight, it seems I reached out to people I knew wouldn’t drop everything to come help me. I did expect a couple of them to, but I downplayed how much help I really needed. My boyfriend couldn’t drive over and I was incoherent on the phone. I don’t blame him. I just know that next time I shouldn’t wait until it is too late to ask for help. To clarify that I’m not worthless when I start feeling that way.

I hadn’t had a panic attack in a year and one month. I’ve been wanting to get off my antidepressants, and I still do. But I was hoping to justify it to my doctor with my lack of world-ending feelings. He doesn’t want me to stop taking them because I might relapse. But these pills make me sick. I have withdrawals if I miss two days. I have withdrawal symptoms even when I take them regularly. I feel worse than before I ever took them. I only agreed to start them because I tried everything else. They said I could be off them in a year or two. It’s been three. This is why I was hesitant. I feel like doctors just don’t want to deal with the difficulties that come with helping me wean off the medicine. But it’s my choice and I’ve decided I want to see what I’m like without them. If I relapse, then I will proceed accordingly.

Testing the waters

Starting a blog has always seemed incredibly overwhelming. Nearly impossible. The planning is fun.

Ooh! I should write about this. And that would make a great topic for a blog. 

I write down these ideas, but I never write about them because I don’t know where to start. Most blogs have such a specific focus. People seem to have blogs to accompany an already successful business or trip. But I know hard work went into those blogs and had to begin small. Now it’s my time to begin small.

I’ve pondered many different focuses and media to get out my thoughts. I considered Vlogs, personal journals, or occasional presentations. I do keep a personal journal, but after everything I’ve gone through, I wanted to share my experience with others who might feel alone and lost.

I titled this blog Bright Lights, Dark Nights in order to encompass both the good and the bad in my life. Bright lights being the small things I look forward to that get me through my depression, those dark nights. It’s been a long ride, but I want to slowly share who I was and who I’ve become with all of you. This is mostly for myself, though, to not forget everything that has happened to make me as strong as I am today.

In just a month, I will have to say goodbye to the one person who knows more about me than anyone else. My counselor. I’ve been seeing her for four years and she has seen nearly every major change I’ve gone through (after starting college of course). Saying goodbye will be easier because I’ve had to do it before; however, knowing that I can’t have that bond with anyone else is hard to swallow. No one will be able to look at me and remember how I used to react to something and see how much I’ve grown. But she told me something important.

I know how much I’ve grown.

I don’t need anyone else to confirm that. As long as I know my experiences, I won’t forget how much I’ve grown. This blog will be an outlet for me to really see how much I’ve changed and hopefully continue to grow.

Through my anxiety, depression, rape, and other various struggles, I’ve had many great experiences that I’m keeping up with. I have a beautiful juvenile bearded dragon I’m going to share with you all the time. I’m learning several crafts that I’d like to continue to improve with. I also have a hobby of streaming video games, so I’d like to touch on that a bit as well.

This blog will not have a focus. But it will be my experience. My joys and trials. Through this blog, I hope to keep myself accountable but also to spread awareness of various topics.

I look forward to this adventure.